A therapist's guide to new years resolutions Pt.4

This week, I am concluding the series on new years resolutions. Whether you knocked yours on the head, kept them going or abstained from the whole business in general, below are some considerations I believe will give food for thought on self-improvement in general.

13. We’re still cavemen

This is important to remember when setting realistic goals and maintaining positive self-

talk in the modern world.  Whilst we are enjoying the exponential labour of our uniquely

human capacity for abstraction and conceptualization, we are still walking around in

the same meatsuit from twenty thousand years ago.

I am not saying this is an excuse to give in to base instincts, however we must imagine if

we dropped our ancient ancestors into modern life they’d soon be inundated by blue

light disrupting our circadian rhythm, sedentary lifestyle, constant stimulus and a digital

world that is designed by top psychologists to hijack our emotions, flood us with

dopamine and give us all reward no work.

We’re still that old world human, so if give in to cravings, find you’ve fallen down Tik Tok

for way longer or don’t want to go for a 7am run in the dark February sleet, be kind to

your internal resistance and reticence, it’s only natural we favour the path of least

resistance.

14. You’re going to fall off the horse

Yes, you’re going to fail, that’s a given of existence. But failure is a guest, invite it in,

befriend it so you don’t fear it. You are not your failures but the sum of how many times

you try again.

I see this with my clients: leaving toxic family or romantic relationships, wrestling with

substances or indeed those trying to master a new skill or creative process.

For some this process takes weeks, for some it takes years to get momentum, and this

is natural. There is a supreme inspiration, power and dignity in humans working towards

a difficult but rewarding path, I am privileged to witness this in my work and want to

remember I’m not different, nor are you.

15. You’re not an island

We may be humans but we’re still social animals, and we exist in a social ecosystem.

This system is heterogenous, meaning there’s a fair bit of variation in traits, abilities,

values and tendencies and this is a good thing.  If we were all carbon copy identical we

would likely all fall for the same trap, illness or mistake.

Acceptance of blind spots and openness to asking for assistance from a more 

knowledgeable other is a characteristic human strength (not weakness).  Like

delegation, asking can make us more effective in our goals (as opposed to being stuck

on square one for the sake of pride). In practice this may look like

·      Approaching a colleague or mentor for periodic guidance

·      Finding a specific coach e.g. ADHD, business or writing

·      Going to therapy

·      Attending a community group around an issue: grief, anger, AA, al-anon etc.

To request and/or pay for external help or consultation is not a copout! It is tactical:

better to be viewed as externalizing accountability or combining assets. So if you want

to go fast; go alone, if you want to go far; go together.

16. You’re not a millionaire CEO*

Don’t confuse self-efficacy with toxic self-sufficiency or ‘grind culture’. When you see

some influencers or CEO 5am journalling, meditating, doing ice baths or

doing a PB, get curious and remember much of what we see is highly curated and

contextual. There’s nothing ostensibly wrong with the growing culture of wellbeing, if

you can do all this; more power to you! I am just inviting deeper enquiry as we’re not all

bastions of willpower, we’re not all childless, neurotypical, middle class, without

trauma and Teflon to the myriad of Murphy’s law i.e. sickness, conflict, car problems or

grief.

No one is talking about it, but we’re trapped on the late capitalism train; it’s driven

by data & algorithm, bound to getting us to be good customers and most importantly it’s

fuelled by our fallible humanity: keeping up with the Joneses, self-image, fear of social

rejection, fear of ageing or fear of death.

If you are a CEO or aspire to be a business leader, fair play, however for those

of us with different journeys please remember there’s a bit of chicken and egg going on

here. Those who have the cocktail of hard work attributes and skills (with the secret

sauce of connection and luck) will attain this lifestyle, but indeed the trappings of this

lifestyle begets more success i.e. reduced socioeconomic stress, autonomy and staff

such as dieticians, personal assistants and content managers etc. (see delegation).

If you have any thoughts or questions I would be interested in hearing from you and for more on this, please subscribe or follow me at https://www.instagram.com/lyrictherapy_dublin/.

*PS if you ARE a millionare CEO, fair play for reading this far! I'm taking on millionaire CEO clients at the moment so this is a fortuitous moment!

Kevin O’Byrne

Psychotherapist (MIACP)

BA, H.Dip, MA.

Kevin O’Byrne is a counsellor/psychotherapist in private practice in Dublin City, as well as working for the City of Dublin Education Training Board providing counselling and psychological support to learners in post-primary settings. Additionally, he is an active musician and therapist to professionals in the creative industries in Ireland.

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