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Christmas Survival Guide #2: Boundaries

Writer's picture: Kevin O'ByrneKevin O'Byrne




Look upon my field where I grow my f*@!s and see it is barren!


......but there are boundaries drawn around it!


Ok, you don’t have to be a therapist to know that statement is of dubious origin, however, there IS a strong chance you may, like many, be bracing yourself for the Christmas season in a manner that reflects your family constellation! And like the statement re: Die Hard as being in the canon of Christmas films, there’s some forecast for disagreement, or perhaps full on arguments!


I would like to talk a bit about Boundaries and what we call your ‘family of origin’, that is the core of caresgivers and siblings or whoever comprised your immediate family circle. Often we have a cocktail of love and hate (choose your own ratio) with this family of origin and so I would like to suggest we take a more stoic influenced mindset to minimize potential grievances as this time approaches.


We can practice accepting what we cannot change, and focus energy on what we can change, and with the latter, we have agency! We cannot change our families values, biases, habits, opinions or indeed that annoying way they eat! But we have many avenues to pursue to hold our own agency in a practical sense and one fundamental but often neglected one is; Boundaries


We hold different boundaries with different people in our life, they will ebb and flow with respect to your own priorities and values....oh yeah and people will 100% try push them!


So let’s get to know the basics of boundaries


There are 7 broad types of boundaries

  • mental

  • emotional

  • material

  • internal

  • conversational

  • physical

  • time



Type

Definition

Christmassy Examples (woo?)

Mental

Freedom to have your own thoughts, values & opinions

  • Observance of religious/cultural traditions

  • Talk re: politics, family values or sexuality/gender expression

Emotional

How emotionally available you are to others

  • Not being at the beck and call to console someone unconditionally

  • Not being the delegation manager of logistics or household affairs (see ‘mental load’ for gender)

  • Not being the

  • Not being the consigliere (see the godfather)

  • Not being guilted for any decision which is natural for your wellbeing

Material

Monetary decisions, giving or lending to others

  • Not being pressured to spend big, chip in to a collective present

  • Not being asked to loan money to family or take a loan you are not comfy with

  • Not being forced to pay for an expensive Christmas holiday

Internal

Self-regulation; energy given to others vs energy given to self

  • Not being forced to be extroverted and ‘save face’ by mixing if it’s upsetting or exhausting

  • Not being forced into being ‘prim and proper’ and assuming a false introversion when you want spend your Christmas in a high energy manner

Conversational

Topics you are not interested or comfortable discussing

  • Sexuality & Gender

  • Immigration & Race

  • Politics

  • Starting or managing your own family

Physical

Privacy, bodily, personal space, possessions, substances

  • Not having visitors come uninvited

  • Not being pressured to visit X or Y family home

  • Not having your car or other resources taken

  • Not being forced to prepare foods or drinks or help decorate

  • Not being coerced into visiting in-laws

  • Not being pressured into eating a certain amount or consuming alcohol (more next time)

Temporal

How much time you spend with someone or on some task

  • Being guilted into spending time with a relative or friend who is not healthy for yourself

  • Being enlisted to spend decompression time shopping, decorating, cooking, being chauffeur or other tasks



This can seem dizzying but I invite you to take five minutes to yourself with these seven factors and try see if there’s one or two oft-crossed boundaries you would like to repair and strengthen for YOU and YOU ALONE!


Communicating

In doing this there are four steps to enacting your boundaries!


1) Define

2) Communicate

3) Stay simple; practice not explaining or qualifying

4) Set consequences; say why it’s important


It may be naturally guilt inducing or frightening, this is natural and not a shameful thing.


Remember to stay #CuriousNotCritical around the process

-Practice No in different sizes; small, medium & big

-actually taking (even tiny ones) action begets big positive change

-no is for EVERYONE and is reciprocal!

-it may suck at first, you will survive and feel more free!

-Please do take care of yourself in it, it may take one or two (or ten) attempts to enact boundaries and it’s tiring, but remember it’s a right!

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