N.B. If you're planning on visiting a Freud this Christmas, pull his beard to make sure it's the real one
What is grief?
Grief is a common emotional response to loss after a disaster or a traumatic event, a loss of loved one or a change in life. It occurs across all ages and stages of life and everyone grieves in their own way in relation to the loss. It can sometimes be overwhelming and affect or daily life. Alongside talking to a support network or a therapist it can be helpful to have an informed conception of grief (what it IS) and avoid the unhelpful misconceptions and stigma (myths)
Some grief myths dispelled
Grief is not an issue to be ‘fixed’ or prescribed a solution; it is a given of human existence which despite being unbearably difficult and seemingly never ending at times offers us a chance to find meaning and growth
It is not linear: we move back and forth between different processes and indeed some days after many months or years of
It works on a different time frame for everyone, some people process it comprehensively in a short time, some work with it intermittently over a long time, for some it can lie dormant and spring up after a given duration.
People experience it, express and process it differently, there is no foundation to add extra shame because your grieving process looks differently
Time does heal....but probably in a different way than many hope for. Given the closeness of some to us it may always hurt but the pain will gradually become a smaller proportioned part of a picture which increasingly includes meaning through memories, rituals and a sense of resilience.
Grief is not just around losing a loved one; it can occur through the loss of a career, change in sexuality or gender/identity, grieving lost time to addiction, grieving lost time before one got a medical or neurodivergence diagnosis or commonly a change of life stage (empty nest, leaving academia to work, entering retirement, divorce, changing country etc.)
A breakdown of the grief process
Though there are many different valid conceptions and ways to visualise the grief process, I find with myself and clients that adapting ‘Worden’s Tasks of Grieving’ is a very helpful framework. This breaks the process into four broad stages one may move back and forth through, these are Acceptance, Processing, Adjusting and Meaning Making.
The Four Tasks of Grief in practice
1. Acceptance
Giving yourself permission
permission to be upset
permission to not be as competent as usual
permission to not be as optimistic, friendly, outgoing or energetic
permission to not know what to do next
permission to drop mundane tasks if needed
permission to allow present, future and past you to be as is
2. Processing
Processing in a nutshell is the conscious and active use of experience or put simply, allowing one to notice and feel what is coming up in our thoughts, emotions and body around the grief. The active processing element is inviting in these feelings and sitting with them with the means to understand and experience them as much as possible.
Some helpful ways of processing are through
Art; often an emotion comes out in a coarse way or is half stuck wanting to come out,
listening to music which evokes a certain feeling in us or reminds of the loss can really invite the emotions to come out vividly
collating or collecting lyrics, books, films or visual art can provide us with words and images where we’re a bit lost
Taking up a creative art or practising a skill we already have can invite thoughts to emerge which our rational mind can’t always articulate
Journalling: is another virtually free asset we can use to help processing. We can
write in stream of conscious and allow our unconscious mind to flow (eventually letting out something emotive) whilst inviting our cognitive logical head ‘get out of our own way’
write to the person or object of grief ‘as if’ you were sending it directly to them
write to grief in past or future tense: e.g. voicing what you would have liked to be known in the past or making a vow to how you will honour the loss in future
collecting recurring words, phrases or bodily sensations
Recording a voice note
Movement
A brisk walk keeping the
Mindfully checking into the bodily sensations or parts which you feel the grief is located around
Moderate to demanding exercise: for example, I find it useful to hold on to a sensation or thought and go for a twenty minute run (or longer if needed) to help me ‘be with’ the feeling. Your mileage and activity may vary e.g. yoga, pilates, dance, core strength, weights, tai chi. The idea is to ‘get out of your head’ and into feelings.
Slowing down or Stopping
actively changing the schedule where you can to have less tasks and let the feelings emanate slowly
Solitude: a relatively rare thing in our society but deeply nourishing and potentially inexpensive e.g. a walk in a park/beach, a drive alone, a coffee alone, having your home at a time when no one is around, booking a short break away.
Mindfulness: paying attention to breath, body scan, progressive muscular relaxation etc.
3. Adjusting
Adjusting is taking stock of what effects the loss has had on your life and seeing what change would be helpful
External: How has the death affected everyday life?
Internal: How has the death affected feelings about self and abilities?
Spiritual: How has the death affected spiritual beliefs and views of the world?
4. Meaning Making
Art (again I’m big on art!), returning to a creative output or picking up a new mode of expression is one way to ensure that the grief and subsequent meaning is always welcome to speak going forward. If you’re not ‘proficient’ at a chosen art form that’s GREAT! Art is about the process NOT the output!
A ritual
Tradition updated: if there’s a thing you did or a person you loved did before the loss can you maintain, resume or slightly tweak the tradition to make it fun but meaningful way of honouring it e.g. following a team/artists, going out for a gathering in a certain place, visiting a certain place of meaning or natural beauty (this is an open one!)
Charity or meaningful cause: did you lose a person to a certain illness or issue or did you yourself lose time or opportunity to something. Participating in a charity event, volunteering with a cause, reskilling in a helping profession or indeed starting your own initiative can be a way to actively process your own feelings and symbolically/spiritually keeping the loss alive.
This is an overview, below I have linked some resources you may find helpful. Just remember grief is a given of existence, it is not a pathology to be cured, it is not a source of shame and it is not perpetually hurtful, it moves and grows with you so try be #CuriousNotCritical and see what is may have to teach you
Resources
My post on grief
The four tasks of grief
Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s 5 stage theory of grief
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